So we have another day. I am amazed at the range of emotions I can have in one day. Nathan probably contributes greatly to my "up" times; although it kind of drives me crazy that I can't pick him up right now. I'm supposed to act as if I just had a baby (which I did), but it is really hard when you don't feel like you have anything to show for it.
I put away all the 0-3 month clothes that I had just gotten out last week, but I haven't put away my maternity clothes yet. I had finally ordered my birthday present (maternity clothes) a couple of weeks ago, and I just got them last week, so that is going to be tough. I can already fit into my regular clothes, but it just makes me mad.
My milk came in today, so I guess I have to just wait that out. I had called my doctor's office to ask a few questions, and my doctor actually called me back. It was good to hear from him because he had transferred me to a different hospital (for more specialized care), and I didn't see him again. He told me today that they were supposed to call him when my water broke but that they hadn't called him until the next day. He was able to answer a few of my questions and helped settle my mind in a few areas that were driving me crazy this morning. It is just so hard not to wrack your brain thinking of all the "what ifs."
I guess I am going through all of the questions that anyone would normally go through. I think in the beginning being a Christian makes something like this a little hard to deal with (believing that God is in control, so why didn't He do something), but in the end He is the only one who can give the comfort you need. However, it doesn't mean I understand. I don't understand how two weeks ago I was coming away from a doctor's appointment praising God for creating another beautiful baby boy to join our family only to be sitting here now wondering what in the world happened and why is my baby gone. I don't understand why my body did so well with Nathan only to push this baby out of his safe place. And why did it happen to me? I wanted my baby so badly!
But life goes on. I am thankful for Evan who is being extremely understanding and strong. I am thankful for Nathan who is just such a blessing. I am thankful for my parents who have taken care of everything in our crazy times, and I am thankful for family and friends who love us so much. God is good.